Breaking up smoothly.

Breaking up can be a pretty big deal for a lot of people. For assholes like me, it's extremely simple and can happen quite quickly and frequently, and 9 out of 10 times I am the one initiating the breakup. The other 1 out of 10 times is when the girlfriend catches me cheating. But this isn't about me, this is about you.

The difficulty of breaking up varies greatly. Let me outline a few different scenarios:

-Both you and the girl are very close, but you do not feel right about the relationship and want to screw whoever you want to again. The girl probably likes you more than you like her.

-You and the girl/whatever had been close but are drifting apart, you both mutually feel bored.

-You suddenly find yourself fucking someone else.

-Your significant other hates you and doesn't talk to you much at all.


So, as I said, different degrees of difficulty in breaking something off. For some of these situations, especially if you feel the desire to see other people, I recommend NOT burning the bridge initially. Simply state your desire to no longer be in a relationship.

You: "Listen, things really aren't working out for me. While I do care for you, I find myself in a place right now where we can't be together."

Significant other: Blah blah blah blah but I still want to be with you blah blah blah i'm crying blah blah blah blah I'm pregnant (bullshit) blah blah blah what can I do to make you change your mind?? (get implants, lose weight, piggie.)

^^ if you can get past all of this then you are golden.

The next step is the most important one: cut off contact. If you have to remove them from facebook, do it. By removing reminders and such from your life (whether you were dumped or you did the dumping) it will greatly increase the speed at which you get over things. By cutting off contact it also prevents the girl or guy from getting at you emotionally. Silences makes a perfect barrier.

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE is essential. Making yourself miserable over a faulty relationship will not make it any less faulty. Think about it in terms of what benefits there are in being single: you can sit around in your underwear playing video games and drinking beer, you can hit on whoever you want/grab some ass, smoke blunts, whatever. Nothing nicer than kicking back with some beers and bros and not having a girlfriend call my ass to see how I am doing every ten minutes. Fuck yes.

To wrap up this bullshit, I will leave you with a quote:

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." - Leonardo da Vinci


so don't sweat this shit.

Truth: Sex costs money, period.

Not all of us are supermodels, let's admit that first and foremost.

Okay, here's the deal. Whether it is a hooker, a girlfriend, or a skank at the bar, sex costs you money. The numerical amount differs and there are exceptions to this rule, but in general it is quite clear. You have to pay money in order to get sex.

With hookers, it is obvious. I actually prefer hookers since they are the most honest women around. They fuck you, then ask for money. No diamond necklaces, bracelets, earrings, expensive dinners. Just straight up cash, and I have a guarantee that I'll get what I want.

Girlfriends: Expense after expense. Driving her around, buying her dinner, taking her out on dates, giving her gifts, roses, spending money on valentines day, christmas, birthdays, etc. And if you get married...well, let's just not even go there. That's a whollle different animal.

Bar sluts: you buy them drinks. easily one of the cheaper sources of sex, although unreliable as girls at bars often hit on a guy to get him to buy her drinks, and then walks off to hang out with her boyfriend.


Think about it bros. Commitments can get pretty expensive. If you have a female friend who likes to sleep with you without any commitments or expenses, then hang onto that. It's a recession, and you have to learn to save money in this economy. Yeah, that's right, I just used the economy to justify being single.

Asshole's Guide to Dating Part 3.

Dating explained

Even if you live with your parents, this will happen eventually. You will meet a girl or a guy, and they will show you slightly more interest than usual. Do not panic! This is something that the average person can handle. Sadly, over the centuries, dating has progressed from sneaking away to the barn or woods to make out, up to today where a lot of women have made up rules about proper etiquette. This has done nothing but make some of us feel better about ourselves, and confuse others.

So, who should I go on dates with? Anyone you are attracted to. Let me make something clear: attraction can be attributed to many different aspects of a person, whether it's the apparent personality, or the nice looking bod they have. Anyhow, as long as you are attracted to a person, there is an opportunity for success. Someone out there is definitely screaming, “but what if we get to know each other for a while and then become attracted blah blah blah!?” Looks always matter, it's hardwired into our DNA. Truth is, it is difficult for anyone to wake up every morning and roll over to see a face they do not like seeing.

There's something else important to consider: dates generally are not "successful". In other words, you'll go on dates with many girls (or guys or whatever), and when this happens most of them will be unsuitable. Either they will be too ugly, have an irritating personality, buck teeth, bad breath, interests that totally don't align with yours -- or something. Regardless, there will be an aspect that will not suit you. Or perhaps the girl is fantastic, but you fuck up yet again and the date does not go well. Never fear, it was not meant to be. The truth is simply that you cannot expect every woman or man out there to like or appreciate you. While this might go without saying, it's important to say it again because we sometimes forget. Also, since the vast majority of relationships will NOT work out (the only ones which truly do work out are the ones which end up in a lifelong marriage and happiness), you can't take it too hard on yourself if things do not go as planned.

So here's a tip: be entirely yourself.


There is no point in trying to fool anyone. And here's another thing, it's NOT your job to try to impress anyone. Putting on a show is a waste of time and energy, and no man or woman is worth that.

So, we've outlined the basics of how to behave. Beyond that you make conversation and see where things go. There is really no formula to it, since every person is different and with so many variables it's impossible to predict outcomes accurately most of the time.

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Okay, so let's say we've found a girl who smiles at you and is willing to go on a date with you. What next? Location.

A lot of people think dinner is a good idea for the first date. I think that is absolute rubbish. First of all there is a general expectation that the guy will pay for the entire meal. Often enough if a girl isn't really that into the guy, she will offer to pay her half. Or, she might just be an honest, cool person with good morals. This is somewhat rare, unfortunately.

Protip: Coffee date as first date.

It's perfect. Think of it as an interview for the second date. It has an atmosphere not too far from that of a restaurant, you pay up front and you can leave whenever necessary. It is also much much cheaper than an actual restaurant, where a bad date can turn into a hole in your wallet. And if you don't drink coffee, there is tea too, or pastries and biscuits and delicious shit. I fucking love me some biscotti.

Also:
-Walk in the park, romp around the fairgrounds.
-A calmer, more relaxed place like a hookah bar.

Be creative. But keep it as cheap as possible, or free. Spending lots of money is the worst when you don't know the person very well.


Oh, and I know there will be those who will argue with my logic. Those people are wrong, stupid, and are buying in too heavily to some silly social constructions.

Crazy Female Antics

I cannot help but post about this. Recently a friend of mine has been having issues with his girlfriend. They have been together for a few years, "on and off" (aka: "she dumps me when she gets bored and wants new dick") and as of late she seems to ditch him to go to parties without him knowing, never picks up her phone and when she does he inevitably gets blamed for never calling, et cetera. SOUND FAMILIAR? Of course it does. They also haven't even had sex in a month.

Want more juicy details? He spent a few hundred bucks on her for Christmas, getting her various gifts. I forget what they were exactly, probably some clothes. Stuff girls like. What sort of relationship is this? This isn't one.

Cliff notes: she's using him. She does as she pleases, talks to him only enough to keep him around, and otherwise does absolutely whatever she feels like. Most likely cheating on him as well, it would not even begin to surprise me.



Buried within this, there is another variable at work. Women are similar to vampires, and I do not say this in reference to the golddigger, which is also a vampire in her own right and of another sort, but these girls are similar due to one insatiable thirst that they do have: the thirst for attention. Men have this too, in a sort of way. It materializes in other sorts of fashions. The one I refer to here is the woman's love for having a guy call her to talk or to hang out. In my friend's situation, she is more in love with the idea of him calling her begging to hang out than she does enjoy actually hanging out with him.

So this man is stuck with a wretch who is only interested in shallow stupid aspects, won't even sleep with him and refuses to show any care or concern. Pathetic. For both of them, and it is a true shame when the victim is unable to detect his crummy situation.

There is an easy way out! Delete her from your phone, remove her from facebook, myspace, whatever. There is no need for a break up, my friends. The relationship doesn't exist in the first place. If you think that attempting to reason with this sort of person will work, think again. You do little more than prostrate yourself in front of her, and provide for her the opportunity to say whatever makes you feel better in order to keep you around.

My friends, I said this once, and I will say this again. When you are being given the run-around, when you are in a situation where the other person is a flake and never seems to go through with anything, you simply must walk away. There is no better solution to the problem. 3 billion more fish in the sea, man.


ebooks like these help improve your skills with texting on your cell phone. worth the read.


Oh, and read what I've got so far on dating in general:
Main Page

Asshole's Guide to Dating Part 2.

First, we discussed how personal changes are unlikely to happen over night. I also discussed how it is likely to be futile if you attempt to date a girl who is too different from yourself. Bad idea. Though you can disregard that if you are just trying to get laid.


The Second Mistake: We convince ourselves of things that are not true. Yes, one thing is true: the boyfriend is a charming, adorable guy, or the girlfriend has the best ass you have ever laid eyes upon. Problem is, the significant other is cheating behind your back, or is showing a clear lack of respect, or is abusive. In such situations, we encounter a thing called denial. Often enough the status quo is too comfortable, and it's easier to make believe that two very different people can work through their differences. One of the more sad situations I see is the individual living in a state of denial over a terribly matched relationship. This is one of those situations where often an aspect of what the boyfriend or girlfriend is offering seems to outweigh any of the downsides, whether it is the emotional support, the great body, the excellent networking connections or the constant source of sex. Despite these benefits, there might be things that cause one to pull their hair out, to beat the wall, or to yell and scream. Ffffffffffuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk!

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Solve your miserable problem by ejecting from the plummeting aircraft. Get clear of anything so negative. A good indicator of one of those naïve moments is the concerned group of friends and family and their general disapproval. So often do they all go ignored, and the reason why is puzzling.
I saw this situation quite recently, actually. My former girlfriend's brother was going out with a girl that very few people actually liked. She was gluttonous, attention-seeking wretch and from what I had gathered was on various medications. Despite the fact that no one actually liked her for her nasty behavior and very controlling grip on the boyfriend, the family and friends generally showed their respect and were nice to her.
Two things are at work:
-Emotional dependence
-Sexual dependence
In the category of emotional dependence we also find the aspect of familiarity which plays a huge role in relationships that have lasted for a long period of time. In general, emotional dependence is a really truly terrible thing and must at all costs be avoided with a significant other. Emotional dependence/attachments with family or pets are an entirely different story, and in such cases it is perfectly normal and safe to have. It is bad in a relationship because relationships tend to be temporary. While it may be difficult to admit or to accept, of all relationships in the world, a minuscule percentage are forever lasting. You might see where I am going with this; it is simply not a wise investment to tie yourself to another. Kick and scream all you like, I will continue this topic later.
Also, sexual dependence. Males, try this: picture how you feel about someone who attracts you a lot. Now, masturbate. Yes, that's right, just get it out of your system. Now that you've finished, enjoying a moment of bliss and relief, how do you feel about this person now? You will find that suddenly you will have a more acute sense of their behaviors and the pros/cons of their personality. You might not even like them anymore, or attraction has simply disappeared. The point I make is that sexual desire often clouds one's vision, preventing a truly objective point of view.
The poor soul that I had mentioned earlier is experiencing both of these side effects of a relationship. For him it will be a long and painful road of slowly coming to the realization of the significant other's true nature, the slow breakup, and the slow disconnection from the dependencies they both have. I foresee much in the way of guilt tripping, jealousy-induction, pity and even remorse as telltale landmarks.

Dating for Assholes, Part 1.

You've opened this expecting a how-to book on getting laid. Well, I guess you might find that, but it's also more than that. It's likely that you are in need of advice, guidance or even inspiration in your life. You will certainly find advice, but it will not be orthodox. I do not necessarily pride myself in doing as I do, or in suggesting what I do suggest – while I respect Machiavelli, I am not going out of my way to be like him. Then again, there is a difference between being inhumane and being honest (I'm doing the latter). Often, there are things we ought to do that we won't admit to. Honestly, between me and you, I have very little in the way of actual feelings. Because I am mostly a heartless human being (though nothing gets me teary eyed quite like a heartwarming story about a house pet) I'd like to request that my words are taken with a grain of salt. There will be suggestions which would require a certain level of apathy. Additionally, any piece of advice cannot go without context, or at the very least some sort of evidence to support it. I've read ludicrous columns on the Internet that entirely miss their mark, but I will grant them one thing: the writer's experience may have been different, a fact that cannot go ignored. Still, I am left in wonder just how these insights came about. I'd like to stress very much that columns written by women attempting to decipher what men prefer are very dangerous. There is one specific fatal flaw in such things: human beings are being overcomplicated. Our needs are far more simple than appearances will suggest. That aside, I will pair my casual observations with what I have found to be generally infallible words of wisdom.

SEGMENTO UNO: Not fucking up!

We scratch our heads, we beat the wall, we rant for hours about the unfairness of it all. The opposite gender is a royal pain in the ass, and we have absolutely no idea of why. Short answer: despite being wired in completely different fashions and the usual differences, it is likely folks find themselves brooding over an incompatible mate. Simple as that. The long answer to why we suffer again and again is more complicated, and certainly isn't a joy to hear. We make predictable mistakes over and over again, and as we all know, reason goes out the window when anything other than your noodle is doing the thinking.

Mistak-o numero uno: we forget just how hard people try to make that good first impression. While I personally never found myself telling flat out lies, the truth is easier to bend rather than break. People are like puzzle pieces that can temporarily mold themselves to fit with another. Take note of the word temporarily. We can never keep up the charade forever, eventually all of our flaws surface and are revealed to the world. Have you ever heard a significant other going on and on about how “you aren't the same!”? While there is a likelihood that this person was totally blinded by love and all that crap in the first months, there is just as good of a chance that you have, on the other hand, changed. This is absolutely normal, people change over time by learning new things and the other shaping powers in the outside world.

Don't like it? It means that it's time to either move on, or to accept the changes. I wish that there were a better solution, but there is not. You cannot change someone to meet your standards, and nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody will change overnight. Have you ever heard someone say “I can change!!”? Here's a tip: they are lying. I beg you, plead to you: please do not attempt to change yourself for someone else. You will eventually fail, finding yourself forced into behaviors that are not your own.

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Have you ever met a great gal, only to find out that she was different from you? For example, she's hot as all hell, but she's a die-hard Christian, or maybe she's a vegetarian, or she enjoys books and you enjoy sex? Happens all the time. I feel ya, broseph. So then you pretend to like books, or animals, or you go to church with her so you can attempt to get into her pants. Right? Wrong. Shit. Eventually that comes back to haunt you, it was pretty dumb. You're going to see steaks and your mouth is going to water and your fingers will twitch. Point being, you can't keep that sort of thing up. Stick with the people who you can tolerate, and who can tolerate you back.

Hello, welcome!

Sup peeps, I'm Al. I'm an asshole and I don't care about other people as much as I care about myself. Don't worry, I do love my mother. And let this be the first lesson to you -- there is no woman more important than your mother. I guarantee that if you ever forget about mom--the woman who shot you out of her toddler tunnel and nursed your punk ass to life--it'll bite you in the rear one day. Mark my words.

Unless your mom is a bitch and now you're gay and despise women. For the rest of you soulless out there, this guide is for you.

I'm pretty much going to start from the beginning, a discussion of the idiotic things we do with relationships, and how to look out for them. Why is this useful, you may ask? Why isn't it?



So, read on, and enjoy.