Dating for Assholes, Part 1.

You've opened this expecting a how-to book on getting laid. Well, I guess you might find that, but it's also more than that. It's likely that you are in need of advice, guidance or even inspiration in your life. You will certainly find advice, but it will not be orthodox. I do not necessarily pride myself in doing as I do, or in suggesting what I do suggest – while I respect Machiavelli, I am not going out of my way to be like him. Then again, there is a difference between being inhumane and being honest (I'm doing the latter). Often, there are things we ought to do that we won't admit to. Honestly, between me and you, I have very little in the way of actual feelings. Because I am mostly a heartless human being (though nothing gets me teary eyed quite like a heartwarming story about a house pet) I'd like to request that my words are taken with a grain of salt. There will be suggestions which would require a certain level of apathy. Additionally, any piece of advice cannot go without context, or at the very least some sort of evidence to support it. I've read ludicrous columns on the Internet that entirely miss their mark, but I will grant them one thing: the writer's experience may have been different, a fact that cannot go ignored. Still, I am left in wonder just how these insights came about. I'd like to stress very much that columns written by women attempting to decipher what men prefer are very dangerous. There is one specific fatal flaw in such things: human beings are being overcomplicated. Our needs are far more simple than appearances will suggest. That aside, I will pair my casual observations with what I have found to be generally infallible words of wisdom.

SEGMENTO UNO: Not fucking up!

We scratch our heads, we beat the wall, we rant for hours about the unfairness of it all. The opposite gender is a royal pain in the ass, and we have absolutely no idea of why. Short answer: despite being wired in completely different fashions and the usual differences, it is likely folks find themselves brooding over an incompatible mate. Simple as that. The long answer to why we suffer again and again is more complicated, and certainly isn't a joy to hear. We make predictable mistakes over and over again, and as we all know, reason goes out the window when anything other than your noodle is doing the thinking.

Mistak-o numero uno: we forget just how hard people try to make that good first impression. While I personally never found myself telling flat out lies, the truth is easier to bend rather than break. People are like puzzle pieces that can temporarily mold themselves to fit with another. Take note of the word temporarily. We can never keep up the charade forever, eventually all of our flaws surface and are revealed to the world. Have you ever heard a significant other going on and on about how “you aren't the same!”? While there is a likelihood that this person was totally blinded by love and all that crap in the first months, there is just as good of a chance that you have, on the other hand, changed. This is absolutely normal, people change over time by learning new things and the other shaping powers in the outside world.

Don't like it? It means that it's time to either move on, or to accept the changes. I wish that there were a better solution, but there is not. You cannot change someone to meet your standards, and nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody will change overnight. Have you ever heard someone say “I can change!!”? Here's a tip: they are lying. I beg you, plead to you: please do not attempt to change yourself for someone else. You will eventually fail, finding yourself forced into behaviors that are not your own.

Dating is exhausting. Even for an asshole. Let Matchmaker.com help you find true love.

Have you ever met a great gal, only to find out that she was different from you? For example, she's hot as all hell, but she's a die-hard Christian, or maybe she's a vegetarian, or she enjoys books and you enjoy sex? Happens all the time. I feel ya, broseph. So then you pretend to like books, or animals, or you go to church with her so you can attempt to get into her pants. Right? Wrong. Shit. Eventually that comes back to haunt you, it was pretty dumb. You're going to see steaks and your mouth is going to water and your fingers will twitch. Point being, you can't keep that sort of thing up. Stick with the people who you can tolerate, and who can tolerate you back.